One Explanation of the Civil War

A few days ago I mentioned the decline of the once-mightly usenet group alt.war.civil.usa, which now seems to be a burned-out shack where a few old timers gather to reenact old times.  Other discussion groups never quite get off the ground, as was the case with a Yahoo Group, “civilwardebate.”  Nevertheless, a visit to that group uncovered the following explanation of why the war came:

the North refuses to pay fair market value for Southern Agricultural goods,
they pay the South less for their crops developed in Southern fields,
the Industrial North holds the South at a financial disavantage,
the South depends on the North to sell to the South the products of their industries,
the North charges the South more for their industrial products than it does the Northerners,
as a solution for the complaints of the Southerners,
the North imports slaves from Africa and sells them to the Southerners as cheap field workers,
while making a substantial profit in the slave sales,
the South not having many ships capable of long ocean voyages,
are forced to accept the Norths offer and their control of Southern finances,
the North with their political advantage and control does not allow the South to create legislation to rectify this situation,
eventually the South tells the North,
if you are not going to play fair and treat the South right,
we are going to go someplace else and play,
we are tired of you stepping on us and walking all over us,
the South does not have a military advantage over the North like the North does over the South,
the South does not have a large supply of ammunition and weapons like the North does,
the South does not have the large industry to replenish their military supplies like the North does,
the South has better trained and experienced military leaders than the North does,
but the North outnumbers the South and can outlast them,
if the South presses their advantage in the first battle south of Washington DC,
District of Clowns,
and cleans house,
the War of Northern Agression will have a much different ending,
but the South,
believing they have demonstrated their militay superiority to the North,
discontinues the battle when the North flees like the bunch of schoolgirls they are,
they have no desire to continue to kill citizens of the United States of America,
this is not the case with the North however,
the North advances a war of terror against Southern towns where the majority of the men are in the Army and fighting the war,
the North attacks Southern towns defended by old men, children and women,
they burn, loot, pilage, rape and steal,
Sherman in his march to the sea,
keeps scouts out to avoid Southern Army units,
in spite of his scouts,
some Southern Army units,
are able to attack the larger Northern unit and kick their asses,
Sherman leaves behind him a path of destruction and terrorism on the unarmed civilians of the South,
the inevitable end catches up with the South and we surrender,
the North claims it wins the War of Northern Agression with their superior military force and ability,
then it sets about on a financial and psychological attack of the decimated remains of the South,
if the South took the war North like the North took the war South,
the War of Northern Agression will have been over in a year or so,
with the South victorious,
the Southern Gentlemen,
allow the invading, raping, stealing Blue Belly Bastards to overrun the South

And there you have it.

8 thoughts on “One Explanation of the Civil War

  1. marcferguson June 3, 2012 / 2:36 pm

    Rubbish! And just plain silly. Whoever wrote this nonsense should read a book.

  2. wgdavis June 3, 2012 / 3:07 pm

    Egads! Throw the Constitution out the window along with reality!

    • marcferguson June 4, 2012 / 5:44 am

      Egads! Explain what you are talking about. Are you implying that secession is in the Constitution. Well, I don’t see it.

  3. jfepperson June 3, 2012 / 3:59 pm

    Oh. My. God.

    • Dennis June 5, 2012 / 12:37 pm

      Your alt group was a great place, Jim,

  4. Mark June 3, 2012 / 7:51 pm

    >> if the South took the war North like the North took the war South,
    the War of Northern Agression will have been over in a year or so,

    One suspects it would still have been called the War of Northern Agression in any case. 🙂

    I read a long time ago that touted the same thing. It said Stonewall favored the “Scipio Africanus solution” (go to DC and checkmate) but since he got killed early that idea became a “lost victory.” I think it wasn’t a very good book. Every war has their “direct route” advocates and if they lose it means a goldmine for generations at the bookstore.

  5. Roger E Watson June 4, 2012 / 5:06 am

    Not the brightest bulb !

  6. Brian Hampton June 5, 2012 / 10:30 am

    I miss AWCUSA, for many reasons, but one of them is specifically gems like this. You simply cannot find that level of hilarity expressed on a tweet or FB post.

    I’ll also add this. When I first encountered AWCUSA, the reason I stayed was that at the time it was populated by a relatively large number of very knowledgeable people, not all of whom agreed on matters, in addition to a certain set of clowns and malcontents. I was not totally ignorant at the time, but compared to many others, I felt like a complete idiot.

    While it may seem paradoxical, I learned from people like this. First, someone was bound to come along and challenge it. Second, I never read anything, from anyone, without at least internally challenging it myself. So, when I ran across these items, it inspired me to set out on a journey to discover the truth or lack thereof contained within. When I took economics in college, I was terrible at it and simply didn’t get it. (It didn’t help that my professor reminded me of Mr. Tudball.) However, reading all the economic explanations that supposedly inspired several southern states to secede forced me to learn about economics and finance if I hoped to understand any of it.

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