Have you always wanted to be known as a Southern Confederate American? Do you mourn the fact that somehow you cannot join the Sons of Confederate Veterans or the Daughters of the Confederacy as a full member? Well, folks, I have the answer right here. The Southern Legal Resource Center wants you to assist in its mission of creating a separate census category of “Southern Confederate American.”
As the petition reads:
I consider myself to be a Confederate Southern American. The Confederate Battle flag is a venerated symbol of my ancestry and heritage.
I am a Bible believing Christian who sees the Confederate Battle flag as a venerated symbol of my Christian religious faith in that it is emblazoned with the cross or saltire of the martyr St. Andrew, the first disciple of Jesus Christ. I also see in the white cross on the Confederate Battle flag, the greek letter “chi,” and early symbol for “Christos” or Christ.
Confederate Southern Americans are a remnant people from Southerners as a whole. We are not defined purely by the region we hail from. Many of our ancestors were soldiers, citizens or subjects of a Confederate State or the Confederate States of America.
But wait … there’s more …
According to the terms of the petition, you don’t actually have to be descended from anyone who was part of the Confederacy in any way, shape, or form. You could have simply married someone descended from a Confederate (that, folks, would include me). But you don’t even need that. Simply if you feel like a Confederate or you identify as one, you can join. That’s right! “Though I have no Confederate ancestry, I consider myself a Confederate Southern American by affirmation and adoption.”
This opens the door for Kevin Levin, who may long for Charlottesville after he moves to the Boston area.
Someone’s going to have to ask The Bangles to reunite to modify “Walk Like an Egyptian” to “Feel Like a Confederate.”
There are both opportunities and problems here. For one thing, no Jewish Confederates allowed, I guess, a blow to the notion of a multicultural Confederacy embracing diversity. Yet there were Jewish Confederates too, right? But note that African Americans can apply if their ancestors were “subjects” of the Confederacy. Perhaps the “self-identifying” (or “feelings”) clause takes care of all these problems.
Since Texas governor Rick Perry has already signed a document declaring me an honorary Texan, I have some thinking to do. Excuse me.